Jack and Jill were at it again. Still arguing. Jill felt like she couldn't forgive Jack. Jack felt like Jill wanted him to completely change. And neither of them knew how to make their relationship better.

They needed to learn to forgive, repent, and focus on restoring their relationship.

Forgive

Forgiveness is a letting go. It is letting go of:

• Emotional Pain and Hurt
• The Need to Be Right
• The Need for Punishment

Forgiveness is not ignoring consequences. There still needs to be boundaries, even with forgiveness. Even when we forgive someone, there could still be natural consequences for what they did. The relationship still needs to be restored. And frankly, we cannot just forgive and forget something happened. Forgive and forget just doesn't happen.

But we can forgive. We can choose to let go of the emotional hurt and pain, to not have to prove ourselves right, or to not punish the other person. Instead, we can choose to forgive (more on boundaries and consequences later).

Repent

The person who has damaged the relationship, needs to what's called repent. Repent simply means to turn away from. Do a 180 turn away from whatever behavior hurt the relationship. Repenting includes:

• Changing Thoughts and attitudes
• Changing Behaviors
• Not wanting to Look Back
• Focusing on a New Direction
• Living with integrityand honesty

An illustration I like to use is being on the beach and my goal is to not get wet. I'm not going to walk on that water line where the sand is kind of wet, but the waves aren't quite there, I'm going to be up on the boardwalk.I'm going to be as far away from the ocean as I can get. It's that same idea. That's not just skating by or thinking "How can I make this kind of work so don't have to give up ABC?". It's a complete 180 change in how we live our life.

Restore

Once there's a forgiveness and repentance, then the third part can happen. And that's restoration. That's a relationship getting back to where it was before. The relationship won't be the exactly the same, and that's probably a good thing! Whatever was underneath the damaged relationship can be addressed. The relationship can become stronger as a result! Restoring the relationship can include things like:

• Building Trust
• Maintaining Boundaries
• Clear Communication
• Living with Integrity

Restoring the relationship can be the most difficult part because it can take the most amount of time. There can also be a lot of setbacks, especially in rebuilding trust. Stay focused on the goals for the relationship and making the relationship as healthy as possible, and things will improve!

2020 was, well, 2020. And now it is 2021! It is a new year, and a fresh start in many ways.

But a fresh start doesn't always mean positive change. (Again, look at 2020). Having a plan goes a long way to making 2021 an excellent year!

In the following video, Cassandra Enck and I discuss how goal setting for 2021 can be a powerful way to maintain focus and take action towards meeting big goals in 2021.

Think back to a really important or a really difficult conversation you had to have with someone. The conversations can really quickly go from calm to a train wreck. Out of nowhere, what sounds like criticisms some accusations start to fly and everyone starts to get angry, and defensive.

But difficult conversations don't have to go this way. The Warm Start Up is a concept by the Gottman Institute for having difficult conversations well.

What is a Warm Start Up?

A warm startup is a way to begin difficult conversations in a way that the other is more likely to be receptive to what you have to say. It follows a very simple pattern:

• When...
• I Feel...
• I Need...

When

"When" is the big picture. Simply, it is the 10,000 foot view of what happened. It answers "Why is this conversation even happening?" When discussing the "When", it's really important to use a lot of "I" statements.

I Feel

This is the big picture values. How did what happened (the context) impact you emotionally? How did it impact your values and boundaries? Some helpful questions to ask yourself to find the "WHY" include:

• How did the "When" impact you personally?
• Why is that important to you?
• What is the big picture of how it impacted you?
• Or what need do you have that wasn't met?

I Need

What sort of resolution are you looking for that will address that big picture value? It's not things like "take out the trash all the time", or "don't yell at me". Instead, think of things like these "I need" statements:

• "I need to feel secure"
• "I need to feel safe"
• "I need to know that you care about me"
• "I need to know I have value"
• "I need to know that have worth to you"
• "I need to know that you care about me"

Putting It All Together

The next time there is a difficult conversation you need to have, try saying something like:

When you talk over me, I feel disrespected and that my opinion doesn't matter. When we disagree, I need to know you care about me, you value my opinions, and for us to work together to find a solution we both are ok with.

Jack was frustrated. He wasn't satisfied in his relationship. He felt boxed in by Jill, and that she kept wanting to change him. Jill said she felt the same way about him. He didn't want to change Jill, but he couldn't stand the relationship how it was. And he couldn't remember the last time he did any of his hobbies, or spent time with his guy friends. Something needed to change. But it wasn't the first thing Jack thought. In fact, he laughed when is counselor told him he needed to fix himself to fix his relationship. So, why was Jack told this?

We Can Only Change Ourselves

If you were ever in a relationship where your partner gave you feedback on what they wanted to see different, your first reaction was probably to defend yourself or argue about why you needed to keep doing... well... whatever the were trying to talk to you about. And that is a normal reaction.

If it didn't work for your partner to talk to you, why would it work in reverse? It probably won't. We cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to do. Like the Serenity Prayer, we need to accept what we cannot control (our partner) and courageously change what we can (us).

So Why Does This Work?

This can sound a little bit backwards: when we focus on improving ourselves - and this that might sound a little bit selfish - you can have a very significant impact on improving the relationship.

We need to take the time to do what we need to, to be the best men and women that we can be. We cannot live at the beck and call of our partner. Otherwise, we cannot maintain boundaries we need to live the life we are designed to live. Hobbies and friends will fall away. We become miserable, and resentful of our partner. And that will show up in how we interact with them.

Instead, when we keep doing what we need to do for us, that can have a very positive impact on the relationship. Our health can improve, our communication can improve, our attentiveness to our partner can improve. Across the board, the better we are as individuals, the better we can be as a partner. This only happens when we focus on ourselves.

How Do I Focus on Myself

Making SMART Goals with a great vision and daily to-do lists is a powerful way to focus on ourselves and see massive progress in a short amount of time. I won't repeat myself here, but I do suggest you read this post about making smart goals.

Back to Jack

Jack decided to listen to his counselor. He spent some time seriously looking at the life he wanted. He worked out a series of SMART goals, and daily steps he can take to get there. It was a challenging process. And Jill didn't seem to notice right away. But after about a month, month and a half, Jill's mood started to improve toward Jack. Conversations and arguments went better. Jack was enjoying life more. All from focusing on improving himself and not change his partner.

Think back to the last conversation you had that didn't go well. You probably didn't start the conversation wanting it to turn into an argument, but it happened.

There's four things that will very quickly, absolutely destroy a conversation you're trying to have. Probably at least one, if not three or four of these, were present in that conversation. These are the Four Horsemen of the Argument Apocalypse, as researched by the Gottman Institute.

Criticism

The first one is a criticism.. Criticisms personally attack a person or what they do. They include statements like:

• You never
• You always (something they do, like "ignore me")
• Why can't you just
• You can't

A Gentle or Warm Startup can help to prevent criticism. This follows the When - I Feel - I Need pattern.See the post next week for more information about this.

Contempt

Contempt has more of a focus on attacking someone's sense of worth, tear someone down, etc. Contempt is looking down on someone that they can absolutely never, under any circumstances do something, right. They include statements like:

• You are worthless
• You are horrible
• You always (something about their character, like "lie")

A counter to contempt is to build on viewing them in a positive way, and to share how you do appreciate them. The Sandwich Method can work well for this: Complement them, give constructive feedback, compliment them again.

Defensiveness

The next one is defensiveness. And that's just like it sounds, when we feel like we have to justify or defend what we do. This includes statements like:

• I just
• I did that because
• I only
• That's not true

And the counter to defensiveness is to take extreme ownership for that. When a conversation deteriorates,most of the time both sides in some way contribute to the breakdown. Take ownership for whatever the other person's mentioning, You probably had some role in it. Look for your role, what you can agree with, and let the other person know. Taking ownership can move the conversation forward quickly and powerfully. Even if there is nothing they are saying that you can take ownership for, you can take ownership for your response to them.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is ending the conversation or changing topics as a way to avoid what's being talked about. This includes statements like:

• I'm done talking about this (out of anger, not a boundary)
• Maybe, but (and the topic changes, often a criticism)
• Just leaving

One of the pretty effective counters for is to take an intentional break, Take a 15-20 minute walk or run. It doesn't really matter how, but find a way to calm down, reset a little bit, and then intentionally get back to having that conversation. This is different from stonewalling because there is a plan to resume the conversation, while giving everyone some time to calm down and reset.

These concepts are very powerful to have a productive conversation. Sometimes, though, couples counseling, or group counseling can be helpful to put these into practice.

We are never really taught how to communicate. Sure, we have to take English classes, writing classes, maybe public speaking at some point. But when is the last time "How to Talk to Someone 101" was offered? I don't think I ever saw that course offered. Anywhere.

But communication breakdowns are a significant problem in post relationships. Here is an outline you can use to really help communicate well!

Two Parts For the Speaker

Identify Your Why

For the person that is talking, the two parts is first to understand what needs to be said. On the surface that can seem pretty simple, but you need to look at the big picture "WHY":

• Why is this conversation important?
• Why even have it?
• What is the end goal that you're even looking for in the conversation?
• What personal values are affected for you, that makes the conversation necessary to have

The answer to these questions can help you identify your "WHY" for the conversation. This isn't just a nice thing to do. The WHY becomes your message. The entire rest of the conversation is built off of the "WHY". So take your time. Make sure you know your WHY, why it is important, and how you want the WHY to be addressed.

Package Your Why

The second part is to identify how to package that why in a way the other person's going to hear it, We may think it makes perfect sense to us. And we can say it in a way that is going to make sense for us. But we're also talking to another person. What makes perfect sense to us may thoroughly confuse or upset someone else. Ask:

• How is that person going to hear or receive what I need to say?
• How can I convey that?
• How can I tell them that in a way that's really going to resonate with them?
• How would they react? Is that a reaction I want?

If the answers to these questions don't work for you, try changing how you say your WHY until you will probably have a productive conversation with the other person.

Two Parts for the Listener

Set Aside Your Emotional Reaction

The first step is to set aside your emotional reaction. This doesn't mean that you can't talk about the emotions the other person is bringing up in you. That can come a little bit later in the conversation, or maybe in a future conversation. Just like should happen if you are the person talking.

When someone's talking with you, and they're presenting their WHY. it's very important to not immediately react or defend yourself or come up with a response. When we do, we often miss important details and can easily loose sight of their WHY. it also becomes very easy to jump to conclusions. Think back on previous arguments? Can you remember a time you got into an argument just to later realize you agree with them? You just emotionally jumped to conclusions and reacted?

Set that part aside and come back to it later. And that opens the door for the second part.

Listen For Their WHY

The person speaking has something important they are trying to tell you. Listen for their big-picture WHY. Reflective listening can help a lot with this. Reflective listening:

• Doesn't interrupt
• Asks clarifying questions
• Says what they are hearing in their own words
• Is open to correction, feedback, clarification, etc.
• Helps the speaker feel heard and valued

Once the other person said what they need to, and confirmed you understand what they said, you can work together to find a solution that will meet what they need from the conversation.

So to very briefly recap, if you're the person speaking, identify your why - the big picture values for the conversation - and package that in a way the other person's likely to hear you. If you are the person listening, set aside your initial reaction, your emotional response, so that you can listen for the other person's why their big picture value. Reflect that back to them so that they know that you did hear what they said. Now you can both problem solve to find a solution that works for you both.

Jack and Jill were at it again. Yet another pointless argument over absolutely nothing. And they were both furious with each other. They both missed the early days of their relationship and wanted their relationship to work. But it was so difficult to trust each other, let alone have a meaningful conversation. At least not without arguing. They needed help to get their relationship back on track. These 8 tips can help Jack and Jill:

Understand Basic Principles of Communication

We are never really taught how to have an effective conversation. Sure, we learn how to speak, how to read. We might even have a public speaking class. But there isn't a "How to talk to your partner about difficult things 101" class.

Learning how to identify what is important in a conversation, and how to tell that to someone else, is something that is critical to a good relationship. So is learning how to listen for what our partner is trying to tell us, and not simply what we think we hear.

The Warm Start Up

No one really likes confrontation. At least not the loud, shouting, argumentative confrontation. But having difficult conversations don't always have to go this route.

Using the pattern of When... I feel... I need can have a profound impact on the direction the conversation goes, keep the conversation focused on what is important, and helps to prevent the four horsemen from showing up.

Avoid the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen are four things people tend to do in an argument that make things quickly blow up. They are called the Four Horsemen because, when they are used often, the relationship is quickly approaching an Apocalyptic end - but there is hope!

For Four Horsemen are: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

Take Ownership

It can be easy to see the faults of your partner. Especially in an argument. When is the last time pointing out their faults helped? Yeah, probably never. Instead, taking ownership of yourself, your responses, and your relationship can be a powerful way to avoid the Four Horsemen and make significant progress in your relationship.

Focus on Improving Yourself

Similar to taking ownership, don't focus on your partner's faults. Instead, focus on being the best person, and the best partner you can be. This will set an example for your partner and keep a high standard for what is expected. When you focus on yourself, it starts to matter less and less what your partner thinks of you because you know you are doing better, and are a better person.

Rebuild Trust

It is difficult to have a close relationship when the trust is gone. And rebuilding trust can be one of the most difficult things to do in a relationship. It is also one of the most important.

Develop Family Goals

Family goals allow a common focus and something both partners can work together - and individually - to achieve. Big visions with SMART goals can be an effective way to plan out family goals.

Date Each Other

Relationships - even romantic ones - are often based on friendships. And dating is a great way for a couple to rekindle the friendship they had. Get creative in finding ways to date each other again!

Stay tuned as we talk about each of these in more detail!